we got to pune in the early evening and i got to see my cousin natesh, my aunt and uncle for the first time in 20 years.

as soon as i arrived, my cousin and i were off to a party.  we got lost on the way and ended up spending much of the time we had allocated to the party stuck on the side of the road, lost.

we got back to my dad and his brother arguing over the meaning of a certain stateside curse word regarding one’s mother.

again, i had to go to bed early because we had an early trip to bombay planned.

i woke up at 5 in the morning to get ready for our drive.  i checked my email to find a message from the new york conference of bar examiners.

they said i passed.  i told my dad.  he rejoiced.  i called my mom, who happened to be in a room with my brother and grandmother and on the phone with my youngest brother, rama the boy.  i told them all over speakerphone.  my grandmother cried.

after drying the tears, she called everyone in the states to tell them - while i tried to beat her by sending an email.

as usual, she won.

by 6 am there was no sign of our driver.  same at 7 am.  at 8 am, my uncle was fed up and took us to the driver’s house to demand an explanation.

he came out and told us that he has diarrhea.  my uncle laughed and took us to a taxi stand - where the cost of the car would have been ridiculous.  he made a u-turn on railway tracks  - only in india - and took us back to the diarrhea driver.

he asked for information on another driver and we got it.

it was 8:30 am.

our driver arrived at noon.  six hours lost of sightseeing.  we would now spend the night in bombay.

we arrived in bombay at 4pm - after around 3 hours of driving and saw the gateway to india and the posh part of town.

we then thought we would check into our hotel - around 15 km away - and then go see some more parts of the city.

wrong again.  it took us nearly 4 hours to weave through the traffic in bombay to travel that 15 km.  when we arrived at the hotel - which was impossible to find, the gym had closed and the restaurant was about to follow suit.

we ate quickly and went to sleep.

we overslept and made breakfast by 10 minutes.  again, we were getting a late start.  we saw some celebrity homes and then traveled back to the gateway and boarded a ferry headed to the elephanta caves - which were on a small island outside of bombay.  in the caves, temples were carved into the rocks - so it was certainly an incredible sight.

my grandmother was carried on a throne around the caves, so to save her the hellacious trek the rest of us endured just to make the caves.

but that wasn’t all.

we saw a monkey giving another monkey a colonoscopy.  my dad caught the picture.

but that wasn’t all.

while walking back to catch our ferry back, i saw a monkey getting its stroll on as it approached us.  i thought it was hilarious and greeted the monkey.

what i didn’t know was that it was headed for me.

it was 36235 degrees outside and i had been sweating intensely.  so i took our bottle of water and emptied it on my head.  i was carrying what little was left in it in my right hand.

the monkey saw it.

the monkey wanted it.

it strolled up to me and grabbed the bottle.  i refused to let go and picked the monkey up by the bottle.

the monkey dropped.

it jumped again.

i held the bottle higher

it jumped again.

we created quite the scene for everyone there.  my family was yelling at me to give the bottle to the monkey but i refused to do so.  it was too hot to forfeit our water to this greedy bastard monkey.

he fell again, exposed his canine teeth and started to growl viciously.  i left, victorious, holding the bottle as a trophy, but keeping my peripheral sharp in case of a followup attack.

on our way back to bombay, my mom was talking to us about some new scientific developments regarding photosynthesis and how it is being created in a lab and being used to create methanol to power vehicles without needing to drill for oil.

the onion saw that we were having a serious conversation.

he would have none of it.  he introduced his own genius idea for an invention.

fart-filtering underwear.

he explained that if everyone wore it, things wouldn’t smell as bad as they do.

he kept on explaining, but i couldn’t stop laughing, so i missed most of it.

we returned back to pune late at night with the aim of waking up 4 hours later - again - so we could leave at 5am for shirdi - the site of ashram of shirdi sai baba.

the driver would show up at 8am.

another late start.  we arrived shortly after noon and dealt pushing that was on a scale only second to the mosque.  people were violent.  jumping lines, pushing, fighting.  it was disgusting.  i know now that i would have made a brilliant basketball player - despite being cut from my high school team.

i boxed out several pushy indians for the better part of two hours, ensuring that my dad, brother and i held our spots in line.

but after leaving this last holy site that we would see, i was left with the thought that if religion is truly alive, it is on life support.  there is no civility anywhere.

i was frustrated.  upon leaving, some vendors were harassing us and despite our various ways of asking to be left alone, they were unrelenting.

i used the joseph mabborang technique and barked at the bastards.  the vendor laughed.  then left me alone.

success.

we got back to pune to hear my uncle telling us a story of a woman he tried to pick up in his youth.  she was with a much older man.  my uncle wondered why.  the old man told my uncle:

she is with me because an old oak tree stands strong…

whereas the young saplings fall limp under pressure…

again, laughter.

we spent the next day relaxing.  i toured my brother’s medical school and took a ride on his scooter.  my dad then attempted to drive in india for the first time in ages.  it almost didn’t happen.  he couldn’t stop tripping the car alarm.

when we did drive, we realized that we had been going in circles for the better part of an hour.  my uncle then took over and still proceeded to have poor luck.

we stopped by his dental offices that day.

outside one of them, i was waiting for my uncle to lead the way, when i felt a sharp smack against my legs.  it stung like hell.  i turned around to see what it was but i saw nothing.

then i saw the outline of the makeshift weapon used to strike me tracing an arc, anticipating another meeting with my tiny calves.

i looked down.

it was a little boy.

like the monkey, birds, and mother/child before him, he found it necessary to lodge some sort of grievance with me.  he tried to strike me again, but i was took quick and escaped.

he watched me go up the steps - as if to threaten me.  there was only one way out.  i’d have to meet him again on my way out.

if he was boy enough to meet me there.

i thought we were letting him get some work in.  instead, he was trying to introduce me to some girls who work at his office.

upon leaving, there was no boy with whip.

coward.

when we left, he would ask - anyone suitable?  i would never have a proper answer for him.  he would then take us around pune, hoping that i would find someone on the street at that very moment so he could immediately jump out the car and ask for the girl’s information so he could set up my marriage.

he would look to the back seat to see me reading a book.

he would ask my dad:

what kind of vallury is this?  instead of chasing girls, he is reading books?

that would be a theme of this weekend.  it is well documented, both during this trip, and back in chicago that i tend to be laid back and not much of a partier.  my failure efforts with women are also well documented.

to be a vallury male, you must be boisterous, jovial and have a way with women.  every male that i have met in the vallury family has these traits.  except for one.

me.

my uncle noticed this and would lovingly tease me about it whenever he had the chance.  it was hilarious - and expected.

i would be leaving for chicago in two days, so my cousin wanted me to go out in style.  as a professional photographer, he had been checking out some of the shots that i had gotten thus far on our trip and wanted to help me get further along in my efforts to learn more about this great art.  he hoped to take me out for some drinks and then to go shoot some of the night landscapes in pune.

failure.

instead, we got a hold of some local musicians and held an impromptu jam session on the terrace of my uncle’s apartment.

during the jam session, an uncle noticed my lack of american accent.  he assumed that we all speak with hillbilly drawl.  my dad explained that america is horribly portrayed in india and that it is nothing like what they see on the television.

after hearing me speak again, that very same uncle proclaimed:

“why the fellow is indian, just like us!”

that was the first, and last, time where i felt like i belonged…

a perfect way to close the trip out.

i shared a makeshift stage with my brother, was proclaimed an indian and got to even get some networking in for the band - all in the name of family fun.

i’m now back in hyderabad.  in 8 hours, i will leave for the airport.  in approximately 32 hours, ill be back in chicago.

im exhausted beyond belief.  but in a good way.

the next blog entries will come from my apartment in chicago.  they will focus more on the summation of my experiences.

after that, i may never use this site again to blog - but because my life tends to be filled with random stupid stories, i might just feel the need to keep typing away.

thanks for reading.

(bow)